Change

I've changed.

...or at least I think I have.

It feels weird looking back a couple of years and know exactly who I was and how it felt like to be me, but then still have that feeling that it's just not the same anymore. Three years ago I was that girl who wanted to be popular, do great in school, make money to buy whatever clothes I wanted, have a lot of time on my hands, have a sense for fashion, go party and all that. Now (when I look back on that girl) I can't stop thinking about how naive and ignorant I was (I probably still am, but comparing to me now). It's so weird. I remember how I thought that I could get what I wanted, I could be what I wanted to be with the slightest exertion. I thought it would all come to me.

In the last few weeks I have been cleaning (or more like throwing everything out of) my room. I've looked everything through. I can't believe what I've been saving; schoolpapers from 1st grade, an "ice cream shop" of paper from when I was 7, newspapers with no special meaning. when I decided to keep it years ago, I'd thought "well, maybe I'll need it someday..." And today I'm able to throw it all away.

I've come to think of the fact that I've changed (as I was saying...). It's very present in my life right now, actually. I dream of very different things now, it's much more realistic. I'm (sorry to put it this way) "sorting" through my friends, 'cause I don't have much in common with the friends I had before. I have one friend left from middle school, and I feel like there's only a few new people at my school I can really talk to.

I've changed, yes. For the better I hope.

One of my friends told me a couple of weeks ago; "It's good to see you smiling like this! You look a lot happier now than before." I didn't notice until she said it. But it's true. I'm trying to figure out the reason why this is, but I'm not in love, I don't have that much money, I'm not a straight-A student, I'm just the average girl. Maybe that's nice sometimes.

Lyrics to help me think

Let's just say that I'm "daydremin'" to include a couple of artists 'cause I am what I say I am "a superstar" so I should "have no fear" because "the camera's here and the microphones and they wanna know" but what they "wanna know" I'm not quite sure about, so I'm just gonna ask for my "ships back and let them head out". But "I used to think maybe you loved me", and now I know that you don't, so let's just say that I'm daydreamin' and not "walking on sunshine".
I'm also trying to "see her as a carbon atom" to go "back to basics". But that can be hard 'cause "he's not a beast" and "it's laughter that we're making after all". I just wanna "rock all day" because "it makes me feel good", but I don't have the time even though you say "no stress", so "where do we go from here, my baby? Underground or crossover maybe? Left, right, left, my way or the highway?", I don't know, I'm just trying to "viva la vida". I don't wanna be "the one making all the noise" so you better "listen to the song here in my heart", 'cause I just want you to know. "Love is a losing game" and I know from experience. Razorlight "knows a girl with a golden touch", but I know a boy, who has the same. Then I found out, that it was the "same girl, same girl" so "I'm gonna get in this conversation too". I'm no "promiscious girl" so you can tell me that "Times Square can't shine as bright as" me, and you can tell me that "when we drink the sun out, you're certain that it's summer again". I want to know if that's how it is other wise I'll just think back to "the time when I was 13" where I "knew how it was supposed to be if it was supposed to be". 'Cause I remember that time but "I don't know you anymore" so "stop me if you think that you've heard this one before". "I found God" while I was "watching the ships roll in" and "longing to listen to you talk". But "It don't make any difference to me", because I would "never leave you, uh-ooh" eventhough, when you sleep it's "seven hours peace I can count on". Anyway, I told you that "it's just a bug, just a bug, you can't catch love" and that's important to remember. "I just wan't you to know" this, 'cause you left me "out of reach so far".

Well, it has now been a month (exactly a month) since the last time I posted something. But I just didn't have the time, I'm very busy at school and at work.. So sorry about that.

Lately, I got to thinking about something. I was thinking about those girls with very tight leggings, D&G shirts (also very tight) and 5 layers of foundation and mascara on their face. I thought about how fake those types are, and I thought; "Wauw, I'm lucky that I don't have to look like that!". And then I thought; "actually, I'm just as fake as them". And that was scary. Here's something I wrote when I got that feeling:

I feel fake. I feel fake when I discover that the most perfect tooth of all of my teeth is the one my dentists fixed with plastic. I feel fake when I feel the need to put on makeup every morning, just so that I can look like me. I feel fake when I discover, that I'd rather feel the way I feel in the end of a movie where the girl gets the gorgeous guy, instead of feeling the pain, misery and happiness that you feel when you are truly in love with somebody. I feel fake when I act like I really don't care about that particular guy whom I actually really, really want to talk to. I feel fake when I put on a push-up bra. I feel fake when I put on some clothes only because I saw it in the latest Vogue. I feel fake when I want to get drunk just to have fun. I feel fake when I wear polyester. I feel fake when I put on my contact lenses in the morning. I feel fake when I settle for the cheap copy of my favorite perfume because I can't afford the real one. I feel fake when I'm tired but still smile at the customers at work. I feel fake when I straighten my hair. I feel fake when I dye my hair. I feel fake when I put on a pair of high heels to bring out my curves. I feel fake.

I should watch out for my teeth. I should take care of my skin and clense it gently every night. I should allow myself to fall in love again. I should be brave and just talk to people I want to talk to. I should have my own, personal style. I shouldn't feel the need to get drunk to have fun. I should just accept the fact that I need glasses instead of putting plastic in my eye, so that every night they're running out of oxygen. I should save my money and buy the real perfume, so that the company would make more money and still make that perfume. I should be happy all the time. I should be happy with the way my hair looks. I should be happy with the way I look. I should just let go and be me.

Then I wouldn't be fake.

Now, how 'bout that?!