Change

I've changed.

...or at least I think I have.

It feels weird looking back a couple of years and know exactly who I was and how it felt like to be me, but then still have that feeling that it's just not the same anymore. Three years ago I was that girl who wanted to be popular, do great in school, make money to buy whatever clothes I wanted, have a lot of time on my hands, have a sense for fashion, go party and all that. Now (when I look back on that girl) I can't stop thinking about how naive and ignorant I was (I probably still am, but comparing to me now). It's so weird. I remember how I thought that I could get what I wanted, I could be what I wanted to be with the slightest exertion. I thought it would all come to me.

In the last few weeks I have been cleaning (or more like throwing everything out of) my room. I've looked everything through. I can't believe what I've been saving; schoolpapers from 1st grade, an "ice cream shop" of paper from when I was 7, newspapers with no special meaning. when I decided to keep it years ago, I'd thought "well, maybe I'll need it someday..." And today I'm able to throw it all away.

I've come to think of the fact that I've changed (as I was saying...). It's very present in my life right now, actually. I dream of very different things now, it's much more realistic. I'm (sorry to put it this way) "sorting" through my friends, 'cause I don't have much in common with the friends I had before. I have one friend left from middle school, and I feel like there's only a few new people at my school I can really talk to.

I've changed, yes. For the better I hope.

One of my friends told me a couple of weeks ago; "It's good to see you smiling like this! You look a lot happier now than before." I didn't notice until she said it. But it's true. I'm trying to figure out the reason why this is, but I'm not in love, I don't have that much money, I'm not a straight-A student, I'm just the average girl. Maybe that's nice sometimes.

The best year of my life..

(This is one of my favourite photos from 2009)

Earlier today, I was just thinking about something. Something about how 2009 affected me. And come to think of it, it was one of the best years of my life and I gained a lot of experience in different areas.

For example, I took several finishing tests in school where I actually did quite well. I also had the longest flirt, I've ever had. I started high school, and took a couple of tests there as well, and they'll be on my diploma (an A and an A+). I had stress (which was not positive in it self but it might affect me in a good way), I was in London and I paid for it myself, I started to have a better sense in fashion, I learned not all people are to be trusted, I learned how to cope with being trambled on, I learned that it's easier to smile at annoying little details instead of being mad, I learned that I have to step up for myself, I learned that posting your opinion about stuff including someone you're close to can have severe effects, and most importantly I learned that the only opinion I can trust is my own.

There's not much to say about the tests I took. They went well, I'm proud, period. But about that flirt-thingy. It actually started quite early in the year. Around the beginning of january, I think. I had never spoken to him, though we were on the same school and had been for 8 years. But one day when my french teacher didn't show up, he was just there. He started asking me questions about me, and he also teased me because my life was quite boring (it still is.. haha). He started to say hi on the hallways and I didn't think a lot more about it. I've never been good at talking to boys, it actually makes me very uncomfortable. So I didn't notice anything till april or something, I just talked to him in school (but not much) and I considered him as a friend. When we got to the middle of april we talked even more, and I began falling for him, though I thought he had no feelings for me. Around my birthday we started hanging out at night, walking around with my dog and one of his friends (I met him "accidently" one night, I just "happened" to walk by his house with one of my friends), I got his number and he wrote "Happy Birthday" to me when it was my birthday. When school ended we hung out just the two of us, and I was really in to him at that time. So during the summer we talked about what was happening between us, we talked on the phone for several hours at night until my dad got angry with me. I told this boy eventually that I was in love with him, although we had never even shared as much as a kiss. He told me that he had never been in love with a girl. I was sure that something would eventually happen between us. Then august came and we talked more than ever at the beginning. One night we had a really intimate talk and I felt good about it for days. And suddenly we didn't talk as much as we used to. I was still feeling the same way about him when I started high school, and there were some things I wanted to talk to him about. Suddenly we hadn't spoken for weeks and I didn't even notice. Well, I did, but I didn't feel that it was that urgent. One night he called me while I was at a party and told me that he had been out drinking with a friend of his, whom I know, and the friend's girlfriend. And then it was a while before we spoke again. We began to drift apart slowly, and one day I spoke to him over MSN and he told me, that he thought nothing was going on between us even though we hadn't spoken about it. So I was kind of pissed at him, I didn't want to speak to him again.
One day a couple of weeks after around the end of september, I ran in to his friend. I started asking him about his new girlfriend, but he said he didn't have one, but on the other hand the guy I had been in love with had gotten one. I asked for her name which (funny enough) was the same as I've heard before. This made me even more pissed.
I started moving on and suddenly one night on my way to an office party, he wrote to me and asked if I was going, and I discovered that he had gotten a job at the same company as me. I didn't speak to him that night.. (this was in october).
I still haven't spoken to him since last time, even though he texted me a couple of times.
Actually I still think of this as one of the reasons 2009 was such a great year. I got a lot of experience in dealing with boys (both good an bad).

So I had stress.. This was mainly caused by the tests I took and my so called 'love life' (my mom thinks I'm lonely now, because I don't talk to any boys). For a month I walked around at home reading for these tests and it stressed me out completely. When summer finally made it's entrance, my mom told me, I should see a shrink. I still haven't.

My sense for fashion started last spring when I started reading all sorts of magazines, searching the internet and asking my friends for advice. Now people are asking me where I got my clothes and complementing me -- I always had a very boring style.
London also helped me along quite well, I bought my first Vogue (I was so excited!) called "Better Dash than Cash". It's my most beloved magazine. Elle also started publishing in danish and I have been buying some copies of those too.

About the part where I talked about stepping up for my self; I learned that from several fights with my stepdad, and I think both my mom and stepdad were surprised when I started to back up my arguments in discussions. This is something I have never done, and I'm actually proud of it. I guess that's what high school's done to me. Or maybe I'm just getting older.

Well, 2009 has been a year where I gained friends and crushes, then lost a couple of them. I have been smiling a lot more the last year than I did in 2008. I've grown a lot, I've become more independent (at least, that's what I've been told) and in total, I would say that I've become more me than I've ever been