Dear future husband...

This is inspired by the trending topic on twitter, #dearfuturehusband. It's very short, but I thought it was fun.


Dear future husband, I hope you will bear with my weird sense of humour, my high expectations to your intelligence and my addiction to British Vogue.

Falling once again?

The classic story always starts with "So, there's this guy..." Mine is gonna start this way:

So, there's this guy...
No wait, it's too tacky. I think I'm gonna write a little story about this.

When she first saw him, all she could think was; "wow, he's... not good looking." His hair was short, he was not tall but not short either, his eyes were no noticable color, he was the average Joe. She thought; "well, maybe I'll like him when I get to know him better."
She didn't talk much to him in a while, but at some point they got to know each other a little better than before. When he was away she found out that she missed him. This was weird 'cause she didn't expect it but she let it pass. She thought her mind was playing tricks. One day she heard that he was seeing one of her friends. They'd kissed, someone had said. And she had this feeling in her stomach.. Not a good feeling, no, probably the worst kind of feeling; jealousy. She thought to herself; "get a grip, forget about him, he's not for you," but still she couldn't stop thinking about him. When spring finally arrived she was in love. Not with him, no, with the feeling of being in love. When they talked he flirted, but she had to let it go. The more they talked, the more butterflies started to occur. She just found some pictures of him and her friend at a bar where they were sitting pretty close. She felt bad about herself; she had no right to be jealous when sne never even told him what she was feeling. But it was killing her. She had a hard time dealing with this, 'cause the last time she had allowed herself to fall in love, he had burned her. She felt scarred for life. She felt the need to lock her heart and never open it again. Never allow anyone to get close to her. This was very painful; she had always had an open mind (and heart). Still she talked to him like nothing was going on, asking him everyday stuff like she used to. Her body was filling with music and there was no other room left. No room for food, blood, bones, nerves. She felt the bass in her heart, she felt the rhythm in her fingers. This was too much for her. She had to forget about him while he was gone.

Spring

My body is filled with thoughts. Happy thoughts and thoughts about people I love, thoughts about how everything is going to be okay, thoughts about how great life is, thoughts about spring and all the green.
My body is filled with music. Great music I want to dance to, music I can't keep inside me, music about love, music about spring, music about people who love spring, music about the greatness of life, music about meanings.
My body is filled with emotions. Breathtaking emotions that make me feel like I'm in love, emotions that can't be expressed properly, emotions I want to share with the rest of the world, good emotions.
My body is filled with intentions. Good intentions to save the world, intentions to be an honest human being, intentions to be a better person, intentions to cure diseases, intentions to help where they need me.
My body is filled with spring. The mild spring, the fair spring that makes me think "was it ever winter?", the green spring that makes me so happy I could cry, spring, I want to say it again, spring, I want to shout it out loud, SPRING!

I feel so excited, I don't know where to put my feelings. This is something I have never felt before, and I know exactly what it is though I was confused at first. I have these crushes or "fascinations" (what you will) and I thought that I was in love, but I didn't know which crush it was. It suddenly occured to me that spring was guilty. I'm in love with spring this year, I have never felt this good. It's like everything I ever wanted, the winter depression is over. Now I can BREATHE. This feels so good.

Am I the only one?

This post is inspired by a trending topic on twitter called #amitheonlyone:



Am I the only one waiting for the snow to disappear?

Am I the only one waiting for the summer to begin?

Am I the only one getting more and more depressed by this coldness covering the ground?

Am I the only one waiting for the sun to comfort me?

Am I the only one waiting for him to smile at me?

Am I the only one desperately holding on to hope?

Am I the only one thinking that this winter lasts forever?

Am I the only one who knows nothing lasts forever?

Am I the only one worrying about our world?

Am I the only one thinking of fears and enemies?

Am I the only one who wants to tell how I feel?

Am I the only one knowing this feeling?

Am I the only one feeling comforted by rain?

Am I the only one wanting to keep pictures in my head forever?

Am I the only one waiting for someone to hold me tight?

Am I the only one telling my true thoughts?

Am I the only one who misses those years?

Am I the only one wanting to be 4 years old again?

Am I the only one holding on to old friendships?

Am I the only one still thinking about that time when my heart broke?

Am I the only one getting further and further away from humanity?

Am I the only one who can't stop thinking about the snow?

Am I the only one frightened?

Am I the only one wanting to be isolated?

Am I the only one holding on to bitterness?

Am I the only one feeling old?

Am I the only one feeling stupid?

Am I the only one listening to music to get away?

Am I the only one reading this?

Am I the only one thinking of Africa?

Am I the only one thinking about saving the world?

Am I the only one slipping away?

Am I the only one falling?

Am I the only one waiting for that crush to hit?

Am I the only one wanting this feeling?

Am I the only person alive?

Am I the only one amused of triviality?

Am I the only one wanting triviality?

Am I the only one disgusted by our way of living?

Am I the only one annoyed by most people?

Am I the only one waiting for the sun to comfort me?

Am I the only one getting more and more depressed by this coldness covering the ground?

Am I the only one waiting for the summer to begin?

Am I the only one waiting for the snow to disappear?

Just tell me if I'm the only one.

Change

I've changed.

...or at least I think I have.

It feels weird looking back a couple of years and know exactly who I was and how it felt like to be me, but then still have that feeling that it's just not the same anymore. Three years ago I was that girl who wanted to be popular, do great in school, make money to buy whatever clothes I wanted, have a lot of time on my hands, have a sense for fashion, go party and all that. Now (when I look back on that girl) I can't stop thinking about how naive and ignorant I was (I probably still am, but comparing to me now). It's so weird. I remember how I thought that I could get what I wanted, I could be what I wanted to be with the slightest exertion. I thought it would all come to me.

In the last few weeks I have been cleaning (or more like throwing everything out of) my room. I've looked everything through. I can't believe what I've been saving; schoolpapers from 1st grade, an "ice cream shop" of paper from when I was 7, newspapers with no special meaning. when I decided to keep it years ago, I'd thought "well, maybe I'll need it someday..." And today I'm able to throw it all away.

I've come to think of the fact that I've changed (as I was saying...). It's very present in my life right now, actually. I dream of very different things now, it's much more realistic. I'm (sorry to put it this way) "sorting" through my friends, 'cause I don't have much in common with the friends I had before. I have one friend left from middle school, and I feel like there's only a few new people at my school I can really talk to.

I've changed, yes. For the better I hope.

One of my friends told me a couple of weeks ago; "It's good to see you smiling like this! You look a lot happier now than before." I didn't notice until she said it. But it's true. I'm trying to figure out the reason why this is, but I'm not in love, I don't have that much money, I'm not a straight-A student, I'm just the average girl. Maybe that's nice sometimes.

Lyrics to help me think

Let's just say that I'm "daydremin'" to include a couple of artists 'cause I am what I say I am "a superstar" so I should "have no fear" because "the camera's here and the microphones and they wanna know" but what they "wanna know" I'm not quite sure about, so I'm just gonna ask for my "ships back and let them head out". But "I used to think maybe you loved me", and now I know that you don't, so let's just say that I'm daydreamin' and not "walking on sunshine".
I'm also trying to "see her as a carbon atom" to go "back to basics". But that can be hard 'cause "he's not a beast" and "it's laughter that we're making after all". I just wanna "rock all day" because "it makes me feel good", but I don't have the time even though you say "no stress", so "where do we go from here, my baby? Underground or crossover maybe? Left, right, left, my way or the highway?", I don't know, I'm just trying to "viva la vida". I don't wanna be "the one making all the noise" so you better "listen to the song here in my heart", 'cause I just want you to know. "Love is a losing game" and I know from experience. Razorlight "knows a girl with a golden touch", but I know a boy, who has the same. Then I found out, that it was the "same girl, same girl" so "I'm gonna get in this conversation too". I'm no "promiscious girl" so you can tell me that "Times Square can't shine as bright as" me, and you can tell me that "when we drink the sun out, you're certain that it's summer again". I want to know if that's how it is other wise I'll just think back to "the time when I was 13" where I "knew how it was supposed to be if it was supposed to be". 'Cause I remember that time but "I don't know you anymore" so "stop me if you think that you've heard this one before". "I found God" while I was "watching the ships roll in" and "longing to listen to you talk". But "It don't make any difference to me", because I would "never leave you, uh-ooh" eventhough, when you sleep it's "seven hours peace I can count on". Anyway, I told you that "it's just a bug, just a bug, you can't catch love" and that's important to remember. "I just wan't you to know" this, 'cause you left me "out of reach so far".

Well, it has now been a month (exactly a month) since the last time I posted something. But I just didn't have the time, I'm very busy at school and at work.. So sorry about that.

Lately, I got to thinking about something. I was thinking about those girls with very tight leggings, D&G shirts (also very tight) and 5 layers of foundation and mascara on their face. I thought about how fake those types are, and I thought; "Wauw, I'm lucky that I don't have to look like that!". And then I thought; "actually, I'm just as fake as them". And that was scary. Here's something I wrote when I got that feeling:

I feel fake. I feel fake when I discover that the most perfect tooth of all of my teeth is the one my dentists fixed with plastic. I feel fake when I feel the need to put on makeup every morning, just so that I can look like me. I feel fake when I discover, that I'd rather feel the way I feel in the end of a movie where the girl gets the gorgeous guy, instead of feeling the pain, misery and happiness that you feel when you are truly in love with somebody. I feel fake when I act like I really don't care about that particular guy whom I actually really, really want to talk to. I feel fake when I put on a push-up bra. I feel fake when I put on some clothes only because I saw it in the latest Vogue. I feel fake when I want to get drunk just to have fun. I feel fake when I wear polyester. I feel fake when I put on my contact lenses in the morning. I feel fake when I settle for the cheap copy of my favorite perfume because I can't afford the real one. I feel fake when I'm tired but still smile at the customers at work. I feel fake when I straighten my hair. I feel fake when I dye my hair. I feel fake when I put on a pair of high heels to bring out my curves. I feel fake.

I should watch out for my teeth. I should take care of my skin and clense it gently every night. I should allow myself to fall in love again. I should be brave and just talk to people I want to talk to. I should have my own, personal style. I shouldn't feel the need to get drunk to have fun. I should just accept the fact that I need glasses instead of putting plastic in my eye, so that every night they're running out of oxygen. I should save my money and buy the real perfume, so that the company would make more money and still make that perfume. I should be happy all the time. I should be happy with the way my hair looks. I should be happy with the way I look. I should just let go and be me.

Then I wouldn't be fake.

Now, how 'bout that?!

The best year of my life..

(This is one of my favourite photos from 2009)

Earlier today, I was just thinking about something. Something about how 2009 affected me. And come to think of it, it was one of the best years of my life and I gained a lot of experience in different areas.

For example, I took several finishing tests in school where I actually did quite well. I also had the longest flirt, I've ever had. I started high school, and took a couple of tests there as well, and they'll be on my diploma (an A and an A+). I had stress (which was not positive in it self but it might affect me in a good way), I was in London and I paid for it myself, I started to have a better sense in fashion, I learned not all people are to be trusted, I learned how to cope with being trambled on, I learned that it's easier to smile at annoying little details instead of being mad, I learned that I have to step up for myself, I learned that posting your opinion about stuff including someone you're close to can have severe effects, and most importantly I learned that the only opinion I can trust is my own.

There's not much to say about the tests I took. They went well, I'm proud, period. But about that flirt-thingy. It actually started quite early in the year. Around the beginning of january, I think. I had never spoken to him, though we were on the same school and had been for 8 years. But one day when my french teacher didn't show up, he was just there. He started asking me questions about me, and he also teased me because my life was quite boring (it still is.. haha). He started to say hi on the hallways and I didn't think a lot more about it. I've never been good at talking to boys, it actually makes me very uncomfortable. So I didn't notice anything till april or something, I just talked to him in school (but not much) and I considered him as a friend. When we got to the middle of april we talked even more, and I began falling for him, though I thought he had no feelings for me. Around my birthday we started hanging out at night, walking around with my dog and one of his friends (I met him "accidently" one night, I just "happened" to walk by his house with one of my friends), I got his number and he wrote "Happy Birthday" to me when it was my birthday. When school ended we hung out just the two of us, and I was really in to him at that time. So during the summer we talked about what was happening between us, we talked on the phone for several hours at night until my dad got angry with me. I told this boy eventually that I was in love with him, although we had never even shared as much as a kiss. He told me that he had never been in love with a girl. I was sure that something would eventually happen between us. Then august came and we talked more than ever at the beginning. One night we had a really intimate talk and I felt good about it for days. And suddenly we didn't talk as much as we used to. I was still feeling the same way about him when I started high school, and there were some things I wanted to talk to him about. Suddenly we hadn't spoken for weeks and I didn't even notice. Well, I did, but I didn't feel that it was that urgent. One night he called me while I was at a party and told me that he had been out drinking with a friend of his, whom I know, and the friend's girlfriend. And then it was a while before we spoke again. We began to drift apart slowly, and one day I spoke to him over MSN and he told me, that he thought nothing was going on between us even though we hadn't spoken about it. So I was kind of pissed at him, I didn't want to speak to him again.
One day a couple of weeks after around the end of september, I ran in to his friend. I started asking him about his new girlfriend, but he said he didn't have one, but on the other hand the guy I had been in love with had gotten one. I asked for her name which (funny enough) was the same as I've heard before. This made me even more pissed.
I started moving on and suddenly one night on my way to an office party, he wrote to me and asked if I was going, and I discovered that he had gotten a job at the same company as me. I didn't speak to him that night.. (this was in october).
I still haven't spoken to him since last time, even though he texted me a couple of times.
Actually I still think of this as one of the reasons 2009 was such a great year. I got a lot of experience in dealing with boys (both good an bad).

So I had stress.. This was mainly caused by the tests I took and my so called 'love life' (my mom thinks I'm lonely now, because I don't talk to any boys). For a month I walked around at home reading for these tests and it stressed me out completely. When summer finally made it's entrance, my mom told me, I should see a shrink. I still haven't.

My sense for fashion started last spring when I started reading all sorts of magazines, searching the internet and asking my friends for advice. Now people are asking me where I got my clothes and complementing me -- I always had a very boring style.
London also helped me along quite well, I bought my first Vogue (I was so excited!) called "Better Dash than Cash". It's my most beloved magazine. Elle also started publishing in danish and I have been buying some copies of those too.

About the part where I talked about stepping up for my self; I learned that from several fights with my stepdad, and I think both my mom and stepdad were surprised when I started to back up my arguments in discussions. This is something I have never done, and I'm actually proud of it. I guess that's what high school's done to me. Or maybe I'm just getting older.

Well, 2009 has been a year where I gained friends and crushes, then lost a couple of them. I have been smiling a lot more the last year than I did in 2008. I've grown a lot, I've become more independent (at least, that's what I've been told) and in total, I would say that I've become more me than I've ever been

It's january 2nd ( :O ) and I haven't even flipped out yet. Well, I'm almost flipping out, school starts in two days, and i have to work tomorrow, so that barely counts for a day .. Grr.

Anyways, the last couple of days have been great actually. I spent New Year's with two of my friends, and we had fun. It was nice and quiet, but, hey, there's another New Year's at the end of the year, maybe I'll find a party then?

I'm glad I didn't stress out this year. It helped a little that I had a lot to drink, but the point is: I didn't freak out. I am now, a little bit, but that's fine. Mostly I'm freaking out because I watched the last episode of the DVD box with Gossip Girl, and THAT scares me a little.
Gossip Girl ended (for a while), but my life is just starting. I've gone through one sixth of my time on Rysensteen (my school), and I don't feel like we've begun at all. Still I feel that time is passing by to fast. Christmas break lasts for three weeks, and now those three weeks are (*POOF*) gone.

I'm reading a book called "Big Mouth and Ugly Girl", and though time is passing by fast, it's not when I'm reading in English. I have to write a little resumé of each chapter, and I also have to notice things about some of the characters. And I have to write that down as well. So that takes up most of my time today, except I'm also going to the movies with a friend.

My mom thinks that I should see a shrink. She thought that for a while and now I agree. But now she thinks that the stress isn't serious enough, so she's avoiding to talk about it. I think, maybe she's embarassed that her daughter needs help. But if I don't get help now it will take me down, and maybe I won't be able to have a normal job when I grow up, because I couldn't handle to get a good eduation.. I don't want that, and I don't think my mom wants that either.

I flipped my calendar today. For the first time. It has little sarcastic comics on it. Today it's a drawing of a woman and a man (it's his birthday), and the woman is saying (happy): "I just got a text. Your sister just gave birth! A little girl..." and then the man breaks in: "Nooooooooooo! This is not happening! Everyone will forget that today is MY birthday! I already hate that fucking little, thunder-stealing shithead!". I think that describes most danish people in a nutshell. It's all; me, me, me, me, me, me, ME! Everyone is so selfish and it's so frustrating.

After COP15 we've all been very disappointed. We didn't get a deal and we were SO close. When the COP was going on, the police of Copenhagen had reinforcements send in from Sweden and Germany to prevent anything from happening. But on december 12th when there was a huge demonstration, the police let people sit on the freezing ground for several hours. Of course they appologized after the "incident" but that's not useful. I saw a picture of two policemen holding single man to the ground, while the man was sitting as still and peaceful as he could, and he just looked into the camera and said: "This is what democracy looks like." I loved the sarcasm. Why don't we have the right to say what we want and have the opinions we want. I mean, they say that we have the rights to say whatever we want. Apparently we don't.

I don't like living in our society. I don't just mean Denmark, I mean the World. When we make big gatherings with the most important people on the entire planet, then still there's people who want to ruin it. It's not just the police who are wrong about how they treat people. 'Cause there's a reason they had to go this far. It's not nice when you, on your way home from school, has to see several humanbeings being frisked. We don't usually see these things in Denmark. We have one of the lowest violence rates in the World, but when we try to do something nice, we have to protect ourselves against it. I don't like living in a world where we have to protect ourselves before we can protect our surroundings. I mean, nature is the only reason we're here, why can't we accept that nature's the only thing that can make sure we'll keep on surviving. Why can't we just make our decisions nice and quiet without our fellow humanbeings trying to spoil it with bombs and anthrax? If we ruin our options now, we are also ruining our own chances.
Apparently there are people who do not want to be alive in 50 years.
Apparently there are people who do not want their children and grandchildren to be able to live on our planet.
Apparently there are people who do not want their descendants to enjoy our society and the things we worked so hard at gaining (just an example: DEMOCRACY).
Apparently there are people who do not want these things to rule our world.
What do they want then? Dictatorship? I thought we were sending recruits to all sorts of places in the world to prevent this?
It's not nice to know that there are people out there (although few) who forces our police walking around hand-in-hand with Home Guard walking around on the streets to keep us safe. I know we're trying to protect the important people from being attacked, but does that mean that we, the "mortals" have to be frisked?

Sorry, this has been during outbreaks for a couple of weeks.

Now I'm going to eat chocolate cake .